| March 4th, 2009 |
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See, here's the thing.
Today is Meds Day. In a couple of hours I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at which, it is expected, I will be prescribed medication to try and soothe my ADHD. I've been pleased and excited about this, about the prospect of something that eases the relentless fizzing fury in my brain. It's surely a good thing - with some resolution to my focus issues, both my studies and my recovery from depression should be much less fraught with frustration, and my general impatience should be lessened, too. It should be a positive life change.
I'm also terrified.
I'm twenty-eight years old, and I've always been like this. I've developed coping strategies, ways to work around it. Parts of it are parts of my self-image. The restless intelligence - maybe it was just making virtue of necessity, but I like that I'm interested in everything, I like my ability to multi-task, to keep six different threads active in my mind.
And I don't know how getting medicated for ADHD is going to change me. I don't know how it's going to feel. What if I hate it? What if it just doesn't work? What if it doesn't really make things easier, what if I still struggled to focus on a page for more than three lines at a time?
What if nobody else likes the New Me?
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So. Today was tiring, if only for the amount of walking involved, on not quite enough sleep. However, I have achieved thusly:
- Saw psychiatrist. Attained prescription for medications for the soothing of brain ferrets. In theory, the meds/dosage/schedule I have should give me 8-10 hours each day of Focus and Productivity, but I might get a bit scattered again in the evenings, during which time I should be trying to relax anyway. I now have medically appointed reasons to work on good study habits. Crazy talk. I, uh, might have to talk to him about this in the leadup to the deadline for my 4,500 word research essay. NO REALLY I NEED EVENINGS kind of thing.
- Saw psychologist. Am making good progress.
- Acquired meds. Box says on it that possession without authority illegal. Controlled drugs, whee.
- Am tired.
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