So, once again, I have a queue of posts to write in my head, that I haven't yet.|
Right now, a brief musing on love and friendship and music and... things.
I have two truly amazing friends in Chas and Dean. And no matter what happens in my life - if things turn around and my life becomes tremendously awesome, if I go into politics and become Prime Minister, or anything like that, I will be loyal to no-one and nothing above them. (If I do go into politics, that will be a very good thing - they're both truly good people, and wouldn't let me be corrupt or corrupted. I'm Not Allowed to be immoral.)
It's sometimes hard to explain to other people why it's not that they're in charge of me, not my bosses or my parents, that it can be that I'm Not Allowed to do things they disapprove of - it's that they've earned the right to tell me what they think will be bad for me, and saying I'm Not Allowed is a shorthand for: if I do that, it will make Dean and/or Chas sad, and that will make me sadder than doing this thing will make me happy, so I cannot bring myself to do it. It's not that they control me, it's that they care about me, so they don't want me to do things that are unhealthy or dangerous or risky.
There's a Marilyn Monroe quotation, the key part of which is: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Chas and Dean have seen me at, and handled me at, and forgiven me for, my worst. (Forgiveness is part of it. For instance, yesterday I was miserable, and in pain - I had a fall, and everything hurt, and I was just in a foul mood, all upset in ways that manifested as directionless anger and resentment. I spoke sharply to both of them, and got annoyed at them for being concerned and sympathetic at me. They forgave all of this as a manifestation of pain and depression and general I-have-a-broken-leg malaise. This is not, in fact, the worst in me they've handled.)
I started thinking about all this because I was listening to Melanie Safka's People in the Front Row. I love the lines at the end.
These chords that I'm using are usually sad,
I had to use them they're the best chords that I had
Oh yeah, this progression is usually sad,
But it felt my sorrow and I wanted it to feel me glad
This is, in some ways, how I feel about my closest, most beloved friends: I want a better future, and I want to bring them with me, because they've felt my sorrow and I want them to feel me glad.
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