Moments of Permanence - On differences in oppression, derailment, and the hierarchies of hurt

From: angrylemur.livejournal.com Date: April 6th, 2009 03:40 am (UTC) (Link)

Yeah. I don't take friendship lightly either, but years of going in and out of one abusive relationship after another have made me REALLY reluctant to take on other peoples' BS. Not that what you're doing is putting up with abuse, but my tolerance, she has been lowered dramatically.

I'm not saying you NEED TO DITCH PEOPLE OMG or even that you should. I didn't mean to imply that. I was just trying to elaborate on my own perspective and then I overshared.

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From: tevriel.livejournal.com Date: April 6th, 2009 04:17 am (UTC) (Link)

No, that's fine, really - as a general rule I'm interested in what people have to say, because I'm interested in the different ways people think and act and react and why. I just, in return, was sharing my perspective.

I don't do abusive relationships, really. My reactions towards people I feel are disrespectful towards me tend towards aversion, and since friendship, in the sense of a true and loyal bond, is not something I bestow lightly, I generally don't get that far with people like that. (My personal history with abusive people tends towards people I didn't have a choice about dealing with, and so has manifested as a tendency, where if the choice exists, I don't deal with them at all, and if the choice doesn't exist, I am distantly civil at best.)

Tom can be dismissive, can be contemptuous, can be sarcastic and sardonic and sneering... and so can I. (I must admit, too, that this is one of his best qualities as well as worst, because he's brilliantly good at it, and sometimes it IS appropriate.) Both of us reserve these reactions to targets we feel deserve it, and both of us can be wrong. However, we are also both capable of listening, and learning, and recognising that we have been wrong. I'm not saying he was right to say all the things he's said in these comments - it would be a bit odd if I did, since I've disagreed with him directly.

To snark sideways at (I think) EBear in the early stages of this: I won't throw my friend under the bus, but I will try to pull him on board, and that includes making sure there's still some room for him.

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