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So, one of the most hilarious ways to end up struggling more with mental health issues: have an appointment with your psychiatrist that leaves you feeling a myriad range of badnesses.
( Griping on that topic. )
Meanwhile, I'm planning to take the amazing step of going to the gym tomorrow, if I'm up to it.
I've reached the point in recovery from my various physical injuries where I feel like I can start expanding my range of deliberate physical exertion. It's been almost three years since The Accident, and finally, finally the pain has subsided to the point where I can start getting my body back.
I've always been overweight, but the thing is, three years ago my body did what I wanted it to, more or less - I wasn't as fit as I wanted to be, but I wasn't actually particularly unhealthy in a muscle tone and cardiovascular sense. (Anyone who is not yet aware that body size and physical fitness are not equivalent, please go look it up before you argue.) I could walk for hours, I'm pretty sure I could even do things like break into a jog or a run, although it's hard to remember how that even works, nearly three years since the last time I could do those things without agony.
While I am all of three years older, I think my recent susceptibility to joint injuries and pain and so on may well be linked to the loss of muscle tone that has accompanied forced inactivity.
My usual forms of exercise of yore - long, brisk walks, swimming, judo, that sort of thing - are still beyond me. I'm not physically capable of a lot of that stuff.
But I'm not sure I can *become* capable if I can't work on rebuilding my muscles - in a controlled way, so I can balance it, and can also work around those parts of me which are still injured.
I probably should have started several months ago, but I didn't think of it. What prompted the idea that I should go to a gym, and do gym things, was in fact my holiday planning, when I came across the recommended exercise routine for preparing for week-long dog-sledding safaris: rowing machines.
I'm not planning to go for a week, or do any of the "challenging" routes, but I do want to learn to drive a dog team, if I can, and do a short trip. I can't do that much serious muscle-building in the next month, especially since for a fair chunk of that time I'll be travelling (although you never know, I might find ways to fit in a stop-off at a gym a few times a week).
What I can do is get my muscles past that initial strain point, the border between inactive and active that causes serious pain once you've crossed it.
I used to be an athlete; I was never a gifted athlete, at all; my ball skills are terrible and I'm a slow runner, but I worked hard and was a moderately competent martial artist.
I remember all too well the fitness boundaries, or at least the fitness boundaries *my* body has. The transition from not-doing to doing is hard, but my body feels vastly better for it. Regular activity, it feels fine, feels easy - I forget how much above the inactive standard I'm running, until I have a minor injury, or catch cold, and miss a week of training.
Judo, as an athletic activity, is a whole-body thing. Every muscle gets used intensely.
Which means that if you miss a week of training - or, my worst experience of this ever, six weeks with a cracked collarbone - when you go back, the training itself is fine - a little more tiring, but you sail through easily...
... until the next morning, when your muscles have had time overnight to think things over and voice an opinion, and you wake up, and your brain says "sit up" and your body says "as if". It takes a minute to muster your muscles to activity, and then you groan as you do it, because every single muscle in your body is aching.
The worst is generally the abs, because abdominal muscles are weird for this. On the one hand, we don't use them with any real intensity in normal life, so they lose real tone quite readily. On the other hand, there is nonetheless very little that we do in life that doesn't involve some low-grade participation from the abdominal muscles (as my mother, who has had a number of rounds of major abdominal surgery, could tell you), and so if your abs are feeling strained, you spend a whole day moving with awkward stiffness, trying to do things without them.
So there's the curve of regret, and I want to be riding the happy middle when I try to drive a dog sled - not to mention, I want to see how well my muscles are faring, because I don't want to find out I can't sustain the effort when I'm halfway out. Better to do some preparation now, when I can be testing my muscles on a gym pass at Lord's, where reaching my limits just means I take a break.
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