 I believe the sun should never set upon an argument...
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Sep. 26th, 2009 @ 09:37 am 
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So, one of the most hilarious ways to end up struggling more with mental health issues: have an appointment with your psychiatrist that leaves you feeling a myriad range of badnesses.
I've been effectively unmedicated for the last week. It's been a desperate, difficult struggle to get through without serious badness. Chas has spent most every woken moment making sure I'm okay. We got through, just barely.
Which meant that we had to argue with my psychiatrist over whether I needed antidepressants again, because he said that if I hadn't had serious problems in the last few days, I would probably be okay without them.
It left me feeling like by struggling so hard to get through okay, I had in fact screwed up, because now I don't really qualify as someone who Needs medication, and even if he did go through with it my psychiatrist seemed annoyed and disapproving about the whole thing.
Discussing which one to try next, he remarked of one option: "It tends to make you hungry and fat, and you have enough of that already."
Once that was sorted, he started gathering his stuff to turf me out, and we reminded him that no, we also needed to sort out medication for my trip overseas, because, as I'd mentioned, I'd be leaving on the 5th of October. This had been very relevant, that departure date, because it was a matter of what could be done to resolve the depression thing in ten days.
"I can't do that until I have an actual itinerary."
"I *have* an itinerary. I'm leaving on the 5th of October, at ten to one in the morning. I come back on the 23rd of December."
Fortunately I had Zecter, my small laptop, in my bag, and Zecter had on it my booking confirmation e-mail with all details from my travel agent, which I opened and passed across to him.
Whereupon it was revealed that actually, for ADHD meds, I'm kind of fucked. He can't give me a new prescription this soon for after my current one runs out, and before I get back from Europe he and his staff are going on holiday for four weeks, so I won't be able to see him again to get a new one until after they come back in January.
So, basically, I'm going to have to spend at least a month with no ADHD meds unless I can find a doctor in the United Kingdom who'll give me a prescription.
The thing is, setting aside just problems with, say, getting anything done, at all, ever, ADHD has other negative effects on life. Lots of them. There's a reason my life has started improving sharply over the last few months - a big part of that is the huge difference getting medicated for ADHD makes in *every area* of my existence.
And trying to work out how to deal with this, I felt like my psychiatrist was moving into the kind of rolleyes, she's-a-drugseeker kind of place.
Meanwhile, I'm planning to take the amazing step of going to the gym tomorrow, if I'm up to it.
I've reached the point in recovery from my various physical injuries where I feel like I can start expanding my range of deliberate physical exertion. It's been almost three years since The Accident, and finally, finally the pain has subsided to the point where I can start getting my body back.
I've always been overweight, but the thing is, three years ago my body did what I wanted it to, more or less - I wasn't as fit as I wanted to be, but I wasn't actually particularly unhealthy in a muscle tone and cardiovascular sense. (Anyone who is not yet aware that body size and physical fitness are not equivalent, please go look it up before you argue.) I could walk for hours, I'm pretty sure I could even do things like break into a jog or a run, although it's hard to remember how that even works, nearly three years since the last time I could do those things without agony.
While I am all of three years older, I think my recent susceptibility to joint injuries and pain and so on may well be linked to the loss of muscle tone that has accompanied forced inactivity.
My usual forms of exercise of yore - long, brisk walks, swimming, judo, that sort of thing - are still beyond me. I'm not physically capable of a lot of that stuff.
But I'm not sure I can *become* capable if I can't work on rebuilding my muscles - in a controlled way, so I can balance it, and can also work around those parts of me which are still injured.
I probably should have started several months ago, but I didn't think of it. What prompted the idea that I should go to a gym, and do gym things, was in fact my holiday planning, when I came across the recommended exercise routine for preparing for week-long dog-sledding safaris: rowing machines.
I'm not planning to go for a week, or do any of the "challenging" routes, but I do want to learn to drive a dog team, if I can, and do a short trip. I can't do that much serious muscle-building in the next month, especially since for a fair chunk of that time I'll be travelling (although you never know, I might find ways to fit in a stop-off at a gym a few times a week).
What I can do is get my muscles past that initial strain point, the border between inactive and active that causes serious pain once you've crossed it.
I used to be an athlete; I was never a gifted athlete, at all; my ball skills are terrible and I'm a slow runner, but I worked hard and was a moderately competent martial artist.
I remember all too well the fitness boundaries, or at least the fitness boundaries *my* body has. The transition from not-doing to doing is hard, but my body feels vastly better for it. Regular activity, it feels fine, feels easy - I forget how much above the inactive standard I'm running, until I have a minor injury, or catch cold, and miss a week of training.
Judo, as an athletic activity, is a whole-body thing. Every muscle gets used intensely.
Which means that if you miss a week of training - or, my worst experience of this ever, six weeks with a cracked collarbone - when you go back, the training itself is fine - a little more tiring, but you sail through easily...
... until the next morning, when your muscles have had time overnight to think things over and voice an opinion, and you wake up, and your brain says "sit up" and your body says "as if". It takes a minute to muster your muscles to activity, and then you groan as you do it, because every single muscle in your body is aching.
The worst is generally the abs, because abdominal muscles are weird for this. On the one hand, we don't use them with any real intensity in normal life, so they lose real tone quite readily. On the other hand, there is nonetheless very little that we do in life that doesn't involve some low-grade participation from the abdominal muscles (as my mother, who has had a number of rounds of major abdominal surgery, could tell you), and so if your abs are feeling strained, you spend a whole day moving with awkward stiffness, trying to do things without them.
So there's the curve of regret, and I want to be riding the happy middle when I try to drive a dog sled - not to mention, I want to see how well my muscles are faring, because I don't want to find out I can't sustain the effort when I'm halfway out. Better to do some preparation now, when I can be testing my muscles on a gym pass at Lord's, where reaching my limits just means I take a break.
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| From: | ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png) rainbow |
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| Date: |
September 26th, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC) |
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Could your dr set you up now with a referral to another dr when you return, perhaps even one you could meet before you leave and give yoru documentation of when you're elaving and when you're returning and what meds you will run out of on what date?
Many vibes headed your way.
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| From: | sami |
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| Date: |
September 27th, 2009 09:01 am (UTC) |
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Unfortunately, no. Specialists tend to be pretty busy, and getting an appointment inside a week? Not happening when it's not really urgent.
After I get back... we'll see.
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm doing okay, right now, but then, just last night I was a wreck, so it's really fun times...
Could you get a referral to a doctor in the UK? I don't know anything about your health care system, but if you could set something up in advance it might work. Good luck, anyway. I hope things work out OK.
I should have got around to asking about this sooner ... This is me being a busybody, and maybe you've already got it sorted out offline, but:
So, basically, I'm going to have to spend at least a month with no ADHD meds unless I can find a doctor in the United Kingdom who'll give me a prescription.
Do you know how to register as a temporary resident with a GP here? According to my doctor's receptionist, you just have to go in and ask, as long as you're staying in their area. It still depends on how the dr. in question feels about your meds, I suppose, but your uncle might know about the family doctor's attitudes.
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