Moments of Permanence - June 25th, 2009

About June 25th, 2009

I said I wouldn't, but apparently I can't not. 10:15 am
So, it turns out, I have to give up my attempts to get back into fandom. My involvement will remain limited only to people I already know, or have good, active reason to think aren't actually douchebags. (Stipulating that as it turns out, a number of people I thought were pretty awesome are apparently douchebags.)

Why?

Because, as some people are going to great lengths to make clear, fandom is not FOR me. Fandom is for men, women, transfolk who don't identify as either, genderqueer people, gender-different people, straight people, gay people, queer people, people of all sexualities or none, and in and out of these categories, people of all races and ethnicities. Unless those people are abuse survivors with PTSD.

I was abused. I am triggered by depictions of abuse. But apparently it's unreasonable to expect people to go to the extreme effort of typing a few words of warning, in order to prevent me and many people like me from experiencing severe harm, and -

I can't even get into the discussion. Because as much as the rampant, jaw-droppingly blatant hypocrisy infuriates me, it's too upsetting to argue about, and - hilariously - the discussions tend to be triggering, and, though I've been very careful about that, I've realised I quite literally might not survive the effects if I read them.

I've dropped several people from my reading list because of this. The people who love me don't deserve to have to deal with me breaking the fuck apart because fandom doesn't think I matter.

I'll still write fic, when I can. (Although I'm thinking I'll work more on Veterans of the Psychic War stuff, because Veterans doesn't hurt me.) I'll still read fic, from a suddenly-abbreviated list of authors.

But since, apparently, a bunch of people want fandom to be a safe space for everyone except me, unless I have a reason to think you're not one of them?

A bunch of people in fandom can, as far as I'm concerned, go to hell.

In some ways, for me, the worst part is that I feel like shit about this partly because I feel so weak. Because I can burn through thousands of words arguing against racism without a second thought, because I can stand up for people in every category I listed above, but I can't stand up for abuse survivors because I can't handle the degree to which this discussion would trigger me.

I'm so fucking pissweak. I can stand up for my "principles" but not for my self. An abstract concept of injustice - I burn with righteous fire, oh yes. My own damage under attack - I wilt, and I hide, and I run.

Fuck you, fandom. I don't need this.
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