That sounds terrifying, and I am unsurprised that Dave is worried!
I hope that your new realisation will help you.
I am sending as many vibes and as much energy as you want for centeredness and for healing and for finding safer ways to let out anger and frustration and all the rest.
You are welcoem to PM me any time if you want me to ramble on about some of the alternatives things that have helped me, if you think it might help you.