Moments of Permanence - [redacted title]

From: sami Date: June 8th, 2009 02:27 am (UTC) (Link)

... I was going to answer this, and then I realised that, realistically, I can *either* keep going on this discussion, *or* I can have a realistic chance at making it through this week without ending up in hospital *again*.

So I'm done. This may be me failing harder, but you know, I have my own problems, and apart from anything else, if I end up back in hospital again this week they probably won't let me leave, and I really, really don't want that.

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From: rainbow Date: June 8th, 2009 03:00 am (UTC) I am so very sorry for failing in turn. (Link)

I am truly sorry that my words caused you pain. It was unintentional, which helps not at all, I know.

Some dayas I really hate that words on a screen don't have gestures or tones, because reading mine after your comment I see how they could be hurtful, and they were *meant* to be gentle, not hurtful.

I apologise with my whole heart, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will make it through the week intact, and I wish I could take back the pain I gave you.

Carys

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From: sami Date: June 8th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC) Re: I am so very sorry for failing in turn. (Link)

It wasn't you, it's just... all of it.

Yesterday was hell, and then this post was a kind of thinking aloud, where I didn't think *through* well enough - which I acknowledge, and the fact that I have a disability that directly causes me to lack the ability to think things through doesn't change the fact that doesn't so causes problems. I upset people. I upset one person enough that she dropped me from her circle, which kind of hurt.

Especially since - in the best *Fail tradition - I meant well. On a crappy day, when I was short on reasons to think I even deserve to live, I seized on an idea to try and make something positive, in an area where I care really a lot. Language is *important*.

And I screwed up really, really badly, and upset people, and all that stuff, and... I recognise that, but I can't dwell. If nothing else, having skated the cusp of dangerous levels of blood loss yesterday, I can't afford to bleed more this week, and when I break down, there is, generally, blood.

For what it's worth, though I don't think you were at fault here, I forgive you completely for the degree to which I was upset further by your comment.

In ordinary situations, I am happy to accept criticism, and discuss the question of where and how I went wrong, but right now, I can't do that.

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From: rainbow Date: June 8th, 2009 04:17 am (UTC) Re: I am so very sorry for failing in turn. (Link)

We all make mistakes. It sucks, especially when it hurts or offends whose we care about, but all we can do is learn from it, try to heal the breaches, and keep on trying to do better. And (hardest for me!) forgive ourselves for making human mistakes.

I spent several years self injuring badly when I was dealing with abuse memories. I understand the need and regret you have the necessity.

When we're both having good days sometime, I would love to talk language iwth you (not related dto this, just in general). My bits and pieces of knowledge is not academic at all, but I find language fascinating. (My stepfather keeps poking at me to read Worf's work and a couple others, which I grasp the ideas of but which are still far above where I can absorb written informatoin easily yet. But someday, I keep telling myself.)

ETA: and thank you. I appreciate that very much.

Edited 2009-06-08 04:19 am (UTC)

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