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apologies if this comes out wrong, I am incredibly sleep-deprived.
I get what you mean about the goads and the pettings, although from a different angle - as a white woman posting extensive essays on mammothfail, I notice some of the things people say about those essays, and the praise I get for posting them at all. I get comments saying how "lucid" my deconstruction of things people have said are.
Which, on the one hand, is flattering, and all, because hey, I take some pride in my ability to construct an argument etc, since it's What I Do. On the other hand, it's problematic, because my lucidity, my clarity of TONE, on these topics is a product of privilege.
I can write clear, precise analyses of racially skeevy comments because I'm not distracted from doing so by pain. Racism makes me angry but it doesn't hurt me. When I'm too angry, when I'm too infuriated by the stupid trollish arguments people make at me, I can walk away, and take a break from dealing with racism. When I'm low on spoons because of my disability issues, I can take a break and not have people yanking my spoons away with racist remarks.
Some PoC are just as lucid as I am when constructing an argument (not all, but that's a product of "no, really, writing essays is the thing I'm arguably best at", not of race) but it's... normal? for PoC to write about race, whereas people praise me just for engaging.
Which, dude, no. I don't write about racism because I think it makes me a Great Anti-Racist Ally, I do it because I think not doing so would make me a Bad Person.
I *like* getting complimented on my writing, I do. I'm proud of my ability to write well (when not unbelievably tired and off my ADHD meds, like I am now). But it makes me really uncomfortable that there's this double-standard visible, where writing about race is something expected of
PoC, and they get encouragement for doing it well (often tinged with no small amount of condescension) or attacked for doing it visibly (always tinged with no small amount of racism), whereas just making the effort to get involved at all is treated (by other white people, for the most part) as being awesome all by itself for me.
I just feel like taking part in this fight, where I am able, where my own talent for deconstructing bad arguments and bad history is something I think will be a positive contribution, is something I should do, must do, in order to feel like I'm not a part of the problem. I'm proud of my posts and glad I made them, and I love being complimented on my writing... I just want to be complimented on the right aspects, I guess. I'm not totally comfortable with the comments/messages I've received praising me for what amounts to winning at tone, especially since I know that the snarky, critical tone I've taken would attract attacks for many POC.
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