| December 27th, 2019 |
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Went down to the farm for Christmas. It was good.
I got baby cuddles, got to feed baby L. a few times (fun when you do it rarely, feeding babies), helped young J. with his Lego, saw many wonderful people.
Got a lesson in the power of detachment, in a way.
The family sprung Grandma from the home to come for Christmas lunch. She can barely raise her voice above a whisper and she's physically weak and easily exhausted.
The thing is, it was obviously a little distressing for her daughter and grandchildren to try to help her so much, when she'd cared for them their whole lives. And it seemed distressing to her to need them to help her - when they asked her, she'd generally tell them she was fine, every time.
But when I asked, she could say she needed things more easily, it seemed.
I helped her with her lunch and fed her cheesecake when lifting utensils had become too hard. She fell asleep holding my hand.
And the thing is? For me, doing that didn't hurt. She was elderly when I met her for the first time a couple of years ago, and I never knew her well at all. I am not grieving for her decline. I might feel more strongly if I weren't three weeks out from a very painful funeral, but since I am in fact three weeks out from a painful funeral, someone else's grandma doesn't really leave a mark right now.
And I think that worked out for the best for everyone.
Grandma seemed to find it easier to accept help from someone who was just "warmly friendly" and not "visibly putting a brave face on pain" when interacting with her. Everyone else got to have a family Christmas lunch like it was normal. I had a lovely Christmas lunch, too, with people I love, but also got to feel useful and helpful which is very positive for me.
And I'm really impressed with myself that I ate my entire lunch one-handed (one hand was steadying Grandma's tray and staying in range so she could touch my hand if she needed my attention - the room was noisy) without making a mess or dropping anything.
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