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So... yeah, this needs a cut tag.
( In this: discussion of grief and loss with specific regard to mothers. Also, seriously, some detailed commentary about what it's like to watch your mother dying, and what happens after when it turns out she lives. )
But here's the thing:
Time still passes, and people are still people.
That was a sucky time in my life, and I am so, so grateful that I still have my mother. I still needed her, I really did. I am aware that I am blessed to still have her at 37.
But I also have a deep, deep dread, because I have watched my mother dying, but she did not die, so what I fear is the possibility that I'll have to do it again.
I don't think it's something that gets easier with practice.
I am protective of my mother. I worry about her and am concerned for her sometimes to an extent she finds slightly exasperating. I think the thing is that I love her, as any worthwhile child of a worthwhile mother does, but I am in the unusual position of still having her around while knowing how much it hurts to lose her.
She is, now, not allowed to die, because I say so.
But, mutual friends, if that should happen? Give some love to Vel and Chas, because they are going to be picking pieces of me off the floor.
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