Moments of Permanence - March 31st, 2009

About March 31st, 2009

08:08 pm
So this morning I needed to leave the house to get to my psychiatrist appointment (I feel the need for speed, you understand), but was kind of stuck on wanting to keep reading the webpages I was going through.

Solution: Open in tabs, read on buses and then finally finish reading in waiting room at psychiatrist's.

Included coming across this, which I thought was kind of awesome. But at the same time it kind of reminded me of certain prejudices I have, where I will make allowances for people I perceive to have disabilities that I won't for people I don't.

Why is this so bad?
Because: invisible disabilities. You'd think I'd be more sympathetic to them, given I have some of my own, but then again, I have trouble making allowances for my own limitations, so how can I extend that courtesy to others? It's a problem.

Also a problem, one more worrisome because I don't apply it to everyone: I tend to view my progress through life in a binary way. I have either performed brilliantly at [task], or I have failed; if I have met my (always high) expectations, then I haven't Done Well, I've unfailed for the time being, having achieved the minimum acceptable standard.

But while I can recognise that this is problematic, especially the way it interacts with depression (I crash to abysmally low levels if I think I've failed, which is often) and ADHD (in some cases my expectations of myself are literally beyond my capabilities, even now, let alone before I started getting medicated for this), I'm having trouble processing in a way that will let me let it go. Because if I lower my standards, I feel like I'll settle for "near enough is good enough" and will perform below my capacity.
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